


Heist horror

by longhairshortfuse



Series: One Shot Wonders [15]
Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Crack, Heist, M/M, Spoilers, ep71, sink this ship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-02
Updated: 2015-08-02
Packaged: 2018-04-12 13:39:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4481321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/longhairshortfuse/pseuds/longhairshortfuse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Psychosomatic86 asked for a crack fic suggesting how Steve might have distracted Carlos from playing with the laser grid. We are trash.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heist horror

**Author's Note:**

  * For [psychosomatic86](https://archiveofourown.org/users/psychosomatic86/gifts).



Five people met in the square, did not speak, nodded to one another and walked in a formation that was close enough that they felt like a group, but far enough apart that they did not look like they were at all involved. Josie and Erika excepted of course, it would have looked mighty strange if Erika had not been by Josie's side, slightly behind her, carrying her things. Erika had already done their part, Josie really only came along for the show.

A trio entered the building. Steve chatted to the guard about some dumbass theory of his while Carlos and Abby waited a ways off. Once the guard was safely asleep, Steve waved at his companions, forgetting they were supposed to be incognito and looking like a total jerk. They all slipped inside City Hall quietly. 

Abby got to work. She paused beside the doorway into City Council Chambers, peering around the door frame through the gloom and fog, just able to make out reflections of eyes, eyes that blinked in pairs and threes and clusters of fives and eights. She took out her vast collection of cosmetic mirrors and clip-lights, fixing them into position so that if any of the City Council members looked out, they would see an empty hall. Carlos helped with that, of course, because he is an awesome scientist and a real nice guy.

Carlos and Steve picked their way down to the basement vault where all official records are kept. Carlos stood by the keypad to the huge, leaden doors that wouldn't part for just anyone. His codebreaking algorithm was as perfect as his beautiful hair, as devastatingly effective as his lovely smile, and the strong, impenetrable doors opened up for him. Carlos eased into the vault, feeling a frisson from the new experience of going in somewhere he had never been before.

The sight that greeted our community's favourite, most brilliant scientist, was not visible at first. Carlos knew it was there, he always researched thoroughly and he knew there was a laser grid they must avoid. Carlos took out a bag of fine chalk dust from the fine lab coat that covered his fine a.. figure. He gently blew it around the room until all the laser beams were visible. 

Carlos was transfixed. So much science all in one room! He had to investigate. He turned to the fool behind him and bubbled with enthusiasm.  
"Steve, I will work out how this laser grid operates. Then, once I know all the facts and figures about it, I can write a new set of formulas that will tell us how to solve this highly scientific problem and turn off the laser grid! We will simply be able to move in and out the vault and get what we came for, the Register of Middle School Crushes, without setting off the alarm!"  
Steve, cold hearted and unmoved by any shred of understanding of wonder, science, the wonder of science, or indeed what Carlos was even talking about, shrugged and said. "Whatevs, man, gotta put the harness things on and... uh... get the thing we came for. But fast."

Carlos laughed with the joy of having something new to study. "That's fine! If I give up eating and sleeping and communicating with anyone, apart from occasionally talking to myself, I should have this done in... hmm," Carlos stroked his chin, "three days? Maybe four. A week, tops."  
Steve stared at Carlos. "We ain't got time for science."  
Carlos turned, a hurt look on his face. "No time for science? But Stee-eve, time IS science! Everything is scientifically important somehow!"  
Steve shook his head. "No time."

Carlos ignored Steve and started work. As he worked, Steve watched. Carlos went from laser beam to laser beam, measuring and trying to capture them all. But one by one, as Carlos traced and chased the beams from their origin to their end, the beams would vanish only to reappear somewhere else. Carlos pranced and pounced but never caught that elusive red point. 

Steve noticed the way Carlos moved, all fluid motion and energy. It moved something in Steve too. He put on his harness, sure it would be strong enough for two since Janice made it and his stepdaughter was super bright and a real hard worker, since she wasn't actually related to him at all. Steve swooped on Carlos, suspended by his harness, lifted the surprised scientist off his feet and swung them both across the laser grid. 

Carlos yelled, "Hey I was just getting somewhere! What did you do that for?!"   
Steve gazed into Carlos's deep walnut eyes without speaking. He bit his lip.  
Carlos blushed. Steve still held the scientist around the waist, tightly. Carlos swallowed, he could not tear his gaze away from Steve's face.  
"You're surprisingly strong considering your, um, build." Carlos complimented the chubby man with the illegal scone habit. "You look kinda s... kinda nice in that harness."  
Steve smiled. "Oh? I'm not nearly as strong as you are, You feel rock solid!"

They sprang apart as they heard footsteps thumping down the stairs and the sound of one careless council member tripping and probably breaking an ankle, or one of their less vital necks.  
"Quick, hide!" Carlos hissed out a whisper.  
"Here!" Steve grabbed Carlos's well-muscled arm and pulled him into a walk-in cupboard. In the gloom, Steve and Carlos stared at the reflected light glinting in each other's eyes from only inches away in the cramped space. Carlos spoke, barely more than a murmur.  
"Um, Steve, what are we going to do about this?"

==========

Carlos put down the sheaf of paper filled with Cecil's very best handwriting.  
"Uh, honey, you know beyond providing a few background details I had nothing to do with the heist, right?"  
Cecil smiled. "Well, yes, but this is set in an alternate universe where the plan went exactly as I told it! That's the great thing about slashfic, sweetie, if I can imagine it, I can make it happen. Um, on paper and within the limits of the mind of anyone who reads it."   
Carlos sighed. "And you know Steve disapproved completely because Janice might get in trouble?"  
Cecil nodded and giggled. "hee-hee-hee, yuh-huh! But Janice was fine! Janice IS fine. So he would have had nothing to worry about, he just didn't know it yet."

"Okay, sweetie," Carlos took Cecil's hand and sat him down on the couch. "I know that relativity does really weird things that mean two observers in different inertial reference frames won't always agree on causality or the sequence of events, so it might have been theoretically possible for Steve to be reassured having seen the outcome before the event took place in Janice's frame of reference but..." Carlos frowned at Cecil. "Ceece, are you just smiling and nodding and waiting for me to stop talking? Do you understand what I am explaining to you in very scientific detail?"  
Cecil grinned. "Of course! Dear Carlos, it is so neat that you are able to provide a scientific theory that lends credence to my plot! I could add it in somewhere on the next edit."  
Carlos groaned and rubbed his face.

"Okay honey. I will try a different approach." Carlos held both of Cecil's hands and looked into his eyes. "I love your writing, you know that?"  
Cecil nodded, a perplexed look building. "Yes, you liked my Jaws slashfic."  
"And I love you. You know that too?"  
"Of course!" Cecil tilted his head ever so slightly to the left and pulled his eyebrows down, deepening the line between them.  
"And you trust me?" Cecil nodded. "So if I asked you not to write the next chapter or publish this one, you'd know it was for a real good reason, right?"  
Cecil looked horrified. "Oh no! What's wrong. Is it... " he lowered the pitch of his voice, "...is it boring? Has it been done too many times already?"  
Carlos shook his head and smiled. "No, no honey. I just think shipping real people is weird. I thought it was funny when you shipped me with Jaws for a laugh and you agreed not to publish that so it was just between us..." Carlos did not see Cecil's little eye-roll or hear his little _oh no, for sure, I totally kept that private!_ "...and that was fine. But this is a little, um, creepy. Weird and creepy."  
Cecil's gaze fell on their joined hands before dropping to the floor. "Oh. Okay. I'll go get the lighter." 

Carlos pulled Cecil into a hug. "Oh honey, You're real good with words. I'm sure you will think of a way to change it. You could give the characters different names and change a few of the descriptions and may be the setting and--"  
Cecil held up a hand, palm out facing Carlos. "Stop, stop. You mean write an entirely different story, don't you?"  
Carlos set his mouth in a tight line and nodded. "I think that would be the best for science, literature and harmonious family relationships."

Cecil lay back on the sofa, hands clasped over his stomach. His face brightened.  
"I've got it! I will write a story about a handsome scientist who is really into radio, ah..." Cecil wagged a finger, "Uh-uh, not called Carlos. I think I will call him... let me se-ee-ee..." Cecil snapped his fingers and sat up. "Marconi!"


End file.
